Dear Dr. Beast,
How come Dave Milon never writes back? Its not like he is married or has a chick.

   Take footage, kick ass and run away

Dear Terence Trent:
Several answers suggest themselves:

  1. He's not interested in writing back to guys named "Darby"
  2. He's installed Spamkiller and you're on the filter list (you're on mine)
  3. He gave up talking to morons for Lent and decided he liked it
  4. He's concerned about this whole take footage, kick ass thing.
  5. He doesn't have a wife or a chick and he's too busy enjoying the hunt to talk with the likes of you.
Pick your favorite and go from there. Maybe you could make a game of it by rolling a die to guess why he didn't call/write back this time. On a 6, it's because you're an asssssshole!
   Dr. Beast

Dear Dr. Beast,
Did Al Gore really invent the internet, as he stated? Or is this just some rambling by a knee-jerk liberal?


Dear Philanderer in Chief:
Sure, Al invented the Internet. He also invented suburban sprawl, the civil rights movement,
the environmental movement, parental warning labels to limit free speech and the popular Macarena
dance. Hopefully, he will have time to move on from these many accomplishments to develop a
personality and a plausibel campaign.

   Dr. Beast

Dear Dr. Beast,
Do you think the solution to the Big Bro issue could be a ceremonial removal of him.
Similar to what the Chapter had to do many years ago to remove the vile and evil CAG from the lodge?

He didn't last long once the hearts & wills of our chapter were united against his malignant power.


Dear Damien:
I am not sure what the Big Bro "issue" is at this time. He/she/it has only posted
briefly in the last few months, and mostly in a positive way. I am not sure that
ceremonial slaying, while immensely entertaining, is appropriate for someone who
actually tries to make Winter Camp better. Big Bro's methods and style are not what
I would choose, but they actually seem directed at moving forward. The Cag and his
cronies directed their activities toward sucking the life out of any activity, viewing
fun as a affront to Scouting. Ripping his evil heart out and placing it on the cleansing
flames was an honor and a pleasure. I am not sure I would feel the same way about
Big Bro, although there have been moments.

   Dr. Beast

Dear Dr. Beast,
Is Big Bro right? Should we be planning Winter Camp rather than posting new content to the web page?

Concerned member

Dear Concerned:
I have answered this question in various forms. My response is that Big Bro
often raises valid points, but cloaks them in personal attacks that do little
to help in moving forward. In this case, I think that he is not correct. I have
heard more conversation, anticipation and enthusiasm for Winter Camp since this page started.
I believe that the eclectic selection of materials is part of that. The recent posting about
the new story does not make sense to me. In my mind, the web page provides members
with a forum to express their individuality and share with their fellows. Those who do not want to
read, do not have to read. Not wanting to read does not give anyone the right to say that
no one should read, or that no one should write. Heaven forbid that our youth members get inspired
and begin writing stories of their own. Scouting is about helping people develop themselves witrh a sound moral
backing. It is not an activity that exists in a vacuum or simply for its own sake. Scouting (and WinterCamp)
are both mechanisms to help young men learn to lead, to serve their fellows, and be decent members of the
community. We should not look at the means as the end. Rather than complaining about somone else's vision of what
scouting is, Big Bro might be better served by clearly delineating his vision of Scouting and working to actualize that vision.
It would be more productive and incidentally, more scout-like.

Dear Dr. Beast,
I was just reading the Wall archive and found a post from BB that I found very
interesting. He said that if you held a vote and the majority wanted to know
his identity, he'd reveal himself at this last camp. Was there ever a vote?
What happened?


Dear OV::
I think he later backtracked on that post and suggested that he might reveal his identity
at Winter Camp XXV. Hence, there was no reason to vote. If Bro was at camp (I think he said he was)
he could have clearly seen that everyone would have voted affirmatively.
We had a game on Canada Day called Murder-Mountie-Clue that was a mystery game. He had previously
suggested something like "Who is Big Bro?" as a possible activity, so I asked
him (email&wall) several times to design that game with his identity as the final
solution. He rejected or ignored the offer. The final version of the game featured
a clue to Big Bro's identity (even though I do not know his identity) When the clue spelled out
the words "Big Loser" most participants were extremely unhapy, because they felt that
they had not gotten any new information. The vote would have been unanimous for revealing identity,
and many opportunities were available. As yet, his identity is still unknown.

Dear Dr. Beast,
Dear Doc,

I finally met the girl of my dreams and I want to ask her to marry me. My problem is that I haven't told her
everything about my past. I have a drug problem and I'm in treatment as one of the conditions of my parole.
I haven't told her about either yet. I also have a son, who is also my nephew because my sister and I had an
incestuous relationship a few years back. She's met the kid but doesn't know who his father is.
What do you think I should do? I'm worried that if I tell her about my shameful past, she'll dump me. I'm also worried
because once I marry her, she's bound to find out some of my secrets.


Dear anonymous:
I recognize that you have a very difficult problem. By reading your letter, I see that you have many things that you might consider concealing for the sake of your relationship.
I would recommend that you tell her the truth about almost everything. Incest, prison records and drug use are real problems that you need to address. If the two of you work together, I am sure you can get past these relatively minor issues. The real problem is that the you have concealed the most loathsome fact of all, both from me and your future spouse -- I can see by your mailing address that you are related to the DHQX. Under no circumstances should you tell her that you are related to a DHQX member. Drug use, incest, criminal behavior and STDs are one thing, being related to a DHQX member is another thing entirely. There are some things (like the DHQX) that are simply unacceptable in polite society.
I recommend you conceal this shameful secret if you want to get married.

Dear Dr. Beast,
How much TV is too much TV?

Concerned Viewer

Dear Chauncy Gardner:
Various people have different answers to this question. My brother Steve claims to watch only an hour a week, although I suspect the truth is that he watches more, but only makes an effort to watch an hour (buffy of course). Others may become interested in more shows and so watch more. In the end, its a matter of personal taste and energy; if your TV watching doesn't hurt you or anyone else, then it's probably fine. In the end, you need to be like the "boy in the plastic bubble" and break free to enjoy the world.

Dear Dr. Beast,
Do you think we've heard the last of Big Bird on the wall or do you think he'll
come up with a way to complain on there anyways without revealing his identity?

Steve Clark

Dear Steve:
I do not know if the "cookie" solution has been implemented. I hesitate to answer a question
about him because my last answer seemed to motivate him to post his last diatribe. My guess is that
whoever is using the Big Bro personna will still use it from time to time. I guess we will wait and see.

Dear Dr. Beast,
Has the list of the most likely Big Bro candidates changed any since you were asked
last time? Do you think Big Bro got his way (indirectly) about more youth participation
and so he is no longer with us or do you think he is just hiding caz he knows that now the youth
are gonna rip him apart as much if not more that the adults? Is this a good thing (the kids ripping on Big Bro)
or not (this last question-I'll be honest about I don't really care what the answer is I was just curious as to your opinion on it).
Also, am I right to be already excited about this coming year's wintercamp? And are you excited?

Steve Clark

Dear Steve:
So many questions, so little time. I am gonig to try to answer them all, but let me knowi f I miss one.
As stated previously, my list of ig bro candidates has not changed. I don't kno of Big Bro got his way because
I am not clear on what his way is, aprt from empty promises and nasty digs. I like the way the youth pound him, but I
suspect his absence is the result of the time gap before the next Winter Camp. People are already talknig about next year,
so it's really a little frustrating for the one-trick pony. Wait awhile, I'm sure he'll be back to complain. As for increased
youth involvement, I'm sure he would love to claim that as his motive and his accopmlishment, but my guess is most people will not buy it.
I am not sure if this is a good thing or not. Everyone has a right to present their opinion and this page is a forum for open discussion, not just
discussions we happen to agree with or enjoy. Big Bro played his role in getting the ball rolling, but then went a little far for my taste in his personal
attacks and accusations. He seems to be a born conspiracy theorist. Yuo should be excited about the upcoming Winter Camp and every Winter Camp to follow.
I know I am and have been for some time. I am even starting to get questions from someone other than the various incarnations of Steve Donohue, which is encouraging.
If OV's real name is not Steve, then I have even gotten questions outside of the Steve contingent. Strangely enough, I have received several questions concerning financial matters, real estate and
job opportunities, but those came to Ron so my guess is that those were intended to be personal. Now for my fondest desire, questions from outside readers. Then syndcation and
appearances on the late night talk shows.

Dear Dr. Beast,
Hey, what do you think about this whole Impeach Clinton thing?

Politically Incoherent

Dear Politically Incoherent:
I think that the process will not remove him from office. Rather, it will highlight the problems with
the current two party system. On a personal note, I do not have much respect for Clinton, the man is a liar
and a worm. My view is that the U.S. President should be a man of personal integrity, since his role is largely as
a figurehead with less political power than generally believed. To quote Marlin Brando in the Freshman, he should be the type of man who can
say (with a straight face) "By definition, every word I speak is a promise." I do not care who or what he
had sexual relations with, but I really think he should have the moral sense to feel embarassed and realize the
impact of his actions on this nation and the office of the presidency.

Dear Dr. Beast,
Hey, how did the goons change the dhqx page?

Internet Newbie

Dear Clueless in South Parks::
Well, there are several answers that make sense. To begin with, if the picture you used was not original, i.e. you stole it from another page (like the Wintercamp page), then all the webmaster would need to do is change the picture at the original site and your picture would change as well.
You might consider this in making decisions about stealing bandwidth in the future. Imagine your chagrin if the previous site had posted child pornography in place of whatever you were stealing. The result would be that your site (or whichever one you posted the picutre on) would be displaying child
pornography. Frankly, someone could do this if they were angry about their pictures being stolen. My advice is to create original graphics of your own or don't post them. I think that may be what the Scout Handbook would suggest as well.

As to why you stole bandwidth, there are some alternative theories. Perhaps you understood what you were doing was wrong, and were secretly crying out for help. Perhaps you had some sort of infantile fantasy that could only be sated by being dominated by the goons, I really can't say.
Closer to the truth is that you played with fire and you got burned. It's kind of like a young man I know who threatened a friend of mine with brass knuckles. He thought that the bluster and threat would be enough. Unfortunately, they weren't. Fortunately, my friend did not take them away and snap his
arm, despite the temptation to do so. The capacity was there.

The best lesson can be drawn from the animal world. A puppy, seeing an older dog at rest, pesters the older dog. The older dog, recognizing the follishness and playful spirit of the puppy, ignores the abuse. Encouraged by his success, the puppy believes that the older dog is afraid. He takes another step, becoming more annoying.
At some point, the older dog tires of the game and thrashes the puppy. The puppy took the wrong message and paid for it.

Remember the earl ier quote " The existence of boys is proof of remarkable Christian forbearance on the part of men?"

Dear Dr. Beast,
Why do you think Big Bro hates Steve so much? Is it an act? Is Steve's Arthurian thing right?
Who do you think are the Big Bro candidates now?

Object of Derision

Dear Object::
1. I don't think he does.
2. Yes, but not a good one. More and more he seems to be stretching to find things to complain about,
particularly since the youth have taken to stomping him at every opportunity. Winter Camp went off well
despite all of the doomsaying. It looks like only BB's sky is falling.
3. Steve's arthurian thing is correct in that the king and the land are united in much of literature, including in Arthurian legends.
I don't think BB or anyone else thinks that Steve is Winter Camp. Winter Camp is bigger than any one person, regardless of weight.
By the way, Steve can't be the king, Paradox Metaphor clearly shows that Mark is the king.
4. Frankly, my BB candidate list has not changed. Steve's still on it, despite the attacks. Jeff and Mark are also on it.

Dear Dr. Beast,
How many Steve's, Dave's, and Mark's are there involved in Winter Camp?


Dear OV::
Do you want the short answer or the long answer? The short answer is too many. The long answer is:

FirstName LastName Birthdate Unit Camps Nights
David Milon, Jr. 1/28/71 842 1985-87, 90, 92, 96-98 36
David Oakley 2/1/65 1061 1979, 1997-98 9
David Radecki 3/8/79 835 1993-94, 98 12
David Woods 10/7/74 842 1990-98 36

Mark Bollman 12/30/63 1058 1978-98 77
Mark Hunt 6/9/75 1373 1993-98 24
Mark McElwee 5/15/65 842 1979 4

Stephen Donohue 5/5/63 1373 1977-98 84
Steve Clark 5/25/81 231 1998 4
Steve Harig 11/13/82 825 1996, 98 8
Steve Perri 9/1/82 825 1996- 97 8
Steven Bollman 1/1/76 1058 1989-91 9
Steven Johnson 12/28/64 831 1980 4
Steven Swiecki 3/11/65 1783 1980 4
Steven Tapazglou 7/13/78 1061 1997 3
Steven Paz Peju'an 6/9/64 842 1978-86, 88, 90, 96 27

Dear Dr. Beast,
What's the difference between a Goon and an old guy?

Occasional Visitor

Dear OV::
I answered a question like this once before, so I'll let the will of the public speak in this case.
The following answers are drawn from the oft-neglected on-line surveys.

What do you think makes someone a goon?

Marked indifference to Jeff's wishes
Willingness to challenge authority
Willingness to participate in even events they think are stupid.
No problem complaining when they don't agree with things
Liking fun
Thinking wanton destruction is cool
Hating responsibility at Scout camp
Using brute force to make a point
Believing in the Oath and Law, but showing it in a twisted manner
Bringing cool toys to camp and then not sharing
More immature than a three year old

What do you think makes someone an adult?

Considering repercussions of activities
Not letting youth do things wrong
Serious consideration of missing Winter Camp due to other responsibilities
Tendency to talk about glory days without realizing that right now is someone's glory days
Wanting everyone to do what he thinks is fun
Thinking wanton destruction is "out of style"
Taking responsibility at camp
Using subtle manipulation to get things done
Using a goon to make a point (who in turn uses brute force)
Being more mature than a goon

Who do you consider to be a goon?
Tim Hunt 6
Lou Pezet 6
Steve Donohue 5
Mark Hunt 5
Dave Milon 5
Dave Woods 5
John Howey 4
Joe Hall 3
Brian Mann 3
Ron Donohue 1
Adam Pezet 1
Tom Ray 1

Who would you call an Adult?
Jeff Rand 5
Mark Bollman 5
Steve Donohue 3
Doug Wilson 4
Dave Oakley 4
Ron Donohue 3
John Howey 3
Jon Kennedy 1
Roger Horn 1
(note that some people were shown as both adults and goons by the same voters)

Dear Dr. Beast,
So, which of Tom's piercings are purely ornamental and which are functional?
Just askin'

Dear Curious George::
I wouldn't touch that one with a ten foot long (sterilized) pole.

Dear Dr. Beast,
How come Mr. @$$ is so insistent on posting inappropriate pictures and words
on the graffiti page? Yet on his page these thing would be
completely wrong. I just don't ok.
Conflicting Messages

Dear Conflicting Signals:
This conundrum brings to mind an incident from my college days. There was a guy on my
hall at South Quad who had an awesome stereo. He was very proud of his stereo, and played it almost constantly.
Inevitably, whenever someone's parents came to visit, he would play the Violent
Femmes "All I need is just one F*ck" as loud as the stereo would go. When asked why he did this,
his answer was that it symbolized his rejection of society's rules and values. Strangely enough,
whenever his parents caem to visit, particularly his small town Chief of Police father, he did
not play the song. Apparently he wanted the shock value of offending other people without
endangering the gravy train of monry from home. He prided himself of his so-called "convictions", but he
lacked the strength of character to stand behind them.

In my experience, many people who pride themselves on being edgy and cool are neither. They tend to be adolescents
who thi nk that the use of adult language and adult themes makes them an adult. I've been there myself, so I know all about it.
Reality is that behavior of that type cements an image of you in people's minds that
is very hard to overcome. Speaking from experience, I recommend not creating that
kind of image for yourself.

Dear Dr. Beast,
Hey, months ago you said that even though Tom was adviser there wouldn't be any
mandatory piercings. I heard a rumor that one of the reasons Steve got his
ear-pierced was that Tom told him he couldn't go to camp without a piercing.
What do you say now hotshot?

Long Time Reader, First Time Writer

Dear Clueless:
As if!!!!

a) Tom or any advisor has that kind of authority.
b) Steve cares what Tom thinks about his piercing or lack thereof.
c) You can actually read.
d) All of the above.

Pick your own answer

Dear Dr. Beast,
So, you don't think Steve has jumped on the DHQX bandwagon? What if I told you
that he'd gotten his ear pierced over the weekend? What would you say then?
What if I threw in that he didn't tell his parents about it? Sound DHQX
enough for you now?

Alpha Goon

Dear Tattle Tale:
You answers in order. 1. No I don't think they even have a bandwagon. All they
have is a confused jumble of stream of consciousness ideas that die off in a week or so.
2. It would not surprise me. 3. I would say, "be careful, that can get infected.
4. He is an adult, it is none of their business. 5. If he was 14, maybe.
No one likes a stool pigeon.

Dear Dr. Beast,
I thought that you might like to know that apart from answering trivia questions,
the Encyclopedia Wintercampica is used, at least by me, as a source of
information. Since I started visiting I have had a few questions that were
easily answered by looking in the Encyclopedia. Aside from information and
trivia, it has proven to be excellent comic relief.
O.K. so not every page in the Winter Camp Universe is usable on a daily basis,
but don't you think that if a few more people took time to review some of the
stuff in the rich Winter Camp past, there might be a little less slamming on
the wall?

Occasional Visitor

Dear Occasional Visitor:
Logically, one moight expect that to be the case. However, my observation is that
computer chat areas and communication mechanisms are so convenient and easy to use
that many people think considerably less about what they are writing than they would if
they were doing it by hand or speaking. The ability to communicate thoughts
efficiently and in a useful medium is confused with the ability to communicate
useful thoughts. I always recommend thinking aobut one's posts before entering,
but not everyone holds with that idea.

Frankly, I think that more review of the history would be helpful, and perhaps inspiree
some thoughts on how to teach the old dogs new tricks. There are only so many basic games in the world,
most of the fun is in the window dressing. Old ideas can be given new life under a theme with a little
creativity. But, it is a lot more fun for some to act out than it is to help out.

Dear Dr. Beast,
I'm very concerned about Steve's sudden jump on the DHQX bandwagon.
I feel that the rantings from Big Bro have caused him to snap and have sent him
over the edge. What do we do to bring Steve back from the dark side?? Any
suggestions? Or should we all run to the hills?!


Dear Tom:
I do not understand why you think Steve has "jumped on the dhqx bandwagon." I think
that he posted the Sco*t It stuff in the hopes that dhqx would stop posting open
tags and filling up the pages with crap and useless pictures. I do not think he
has jumped on the bandwagon, I think he was simply letting them know that their
annoying postings are at the bottom of the skill level and showed them that what they are donig (and are so unjustfiably
proud of" was not anything special or worthy of everyone's time or attention.

Dear Dr. Beast,
Buff (aka John) is saying that he's going to be a fun loving goon this year and
leave the cooking, cleaning, and working to the adults. What impact do you think
this will have on Winter Camp?

Concerned Camper

Dear Concerned:
If he were going to change behavior, it might make a difference,but since it will be more of
the same, it probably won't have much impact. Besides, we all know that John is
just talking, he does not want to give the really old-timers the satisfaction of
his living down to their expectations.

Dear Dr. Beast,
Why do you think our pals Big Bro and Casual Observer have been so silent lately?
Except for tonight's rant, we haven't seen either of them in several weeks.

Just wondering

Deat Just Wandering:
My guess is that Big Bro has had external pressures taking up his time. Perhaps
this has helped him to understand our lack of devotion to 7/24 winter camp planning.
As for Casual Observer, I can only assume that he is back on the "short bus" for
summer sessions. If you don't know what the short bus is, you probably need to
be on it.

Dear Dr. Beast,
If you were a tree, what kind of tree would you be?

Smokey the Bear

Dear Smokey:
I live in Florida, so the answer is a smoking, charred tree. I thought you were supposed
to be out fighting fires you useless ursinian. Get off your fat furry @ss and
stop the fires before they get to my new house.

Dear Dr. Beast,
How do you deal with the fact that, compared to you, most of those around you
have the brainpower of a walnut?

Birds of a feather?

Dear Intellectual Snob::
You know, I ahve heard this question before and it did not make sense the first time
either. To slip into RD mode, everyone has different gifts and makes their own decision
as to how they apply those gifts. For example, I met some guys at the camp who have plenty of brainpower
but a disinterest in using it. So, my guess is that we are all Walnuts, but some of us area little more
cracked than others. It is a lot of fun to act like you're smarter than everyone around you, and it is
harmless, as long as you are not stupid enough to believe it.

Dear Dr. Beast,
How do you find the patience to put up with all the dumb questions you receive?

Just Curious

Dear Just Curious::
There are no stupid questions, just stupid people who ask questions. I enjoy the
questions I get here because they are so different than the ones I normally have
to answer in my daily life. Besides, they occaisionally givem e an opportunity
to revert to an earlier self, who, while dangerous, was also kind of fun.

Dear Dr. Beast,
What does Ambrose mean when he says "The existence of boys is proof of remarkable
Christian forbearance on the part of men?"

Confused Child

Dear DHQX Member:
He means that it takes a lot of willpower to allow troublesome little punks
(like yourself) to continue using up valuable oxygen. The long-term desire for continuation
of the species overwhelms the short term desire for the satisfaction brought on by use
of destructive force. The ability to put long term goals ahead of short term gratification
is one of the symptoms of adulthood. Maybe you will catch it some day.

Dear Dr. Beast,
Who do you think will prove to be the undisputed champ of the WCWF?

Dear Anonymous,:
All signs point to yours truly as the champ. Although I am off my feed a bit (down
75 pounds to a svelte 240) my years of experience in high school and collegiate intramural
wrestling, my youthful fanatical devotion to big time wrestling (remember Hogan when he was Sterling Golden, the Undertaker when he was
Mean Mark, and Bret Hart when he wrestled tune-up matches) and my absolute mastery of bull**** and empty bravado, I can not be beat.
Remember, to be the man, you have got to beat the man, Whoooooooo!!!!

Dear Dr. Beast,
Who is this Casual Observer character and why is his grammar so bad?
He's setting a bad example for the children.

Concerned Parent

Dear PTA President:
Your question has two parts, and I would like to address the grammar apsect first.
I read the comments, and I am not sure that the main problem is grammar. I think that the problem is
more with spelling, but I admit that the grammar is poor. Both problems can be explained by the quality
education available at public schools in the Downriver Area. One alternative is that the typos are
a deliberate effort to conceal identity (as with Big Bro) Another alternative is that Casual Observer
types faster than he thinks. He sometimes makes valid observations, but the reader has to wade through
so much swill to get their that the message is lost. By the way, I have a guess on his real identity. As with
Big Bro, if I am wrong, he can have a good laugh at my expense. I think that Paul Lambert is Casual Observer.

Dear Dr. Beast,
Why do you think Big Bro is so mean? Is Jeff right, does have a Muliple
Personality Order (sic)?

Confused Camper

Dear Confused:
It is important to remember that insensitive and mean are two different things.
I believe that it is possible to climb the heights without stepping on others
on your way up, but not everyone agrees. Devil's advocates and demagogues have a
long and sucessful history in the United States, and sadly, there are not enough
talk radio shows for them all. As to any MPD diagnosis, I am not that kind of doctor.
If pressed for a technical diagnosis, I might go for "has a stick up his $ss."
If it is truly MPD, then it is possible that CO is the juvenile delinquent version of
the old and bitter BB we see on a regular basis.

Dear Dr. Beast,
Ginger or Marianne?
Betty or Wilma?
Laverne or Shirley?
Judy Jetson or the grown-up Pebbles Flintstone?
Daphne or Velma?
Paper or Plastic?
Girl Watcher

Dear Girl Watcher,:
The answers are Maryann, cartoon Betty and live action Wilma (sorry Rosie), Shirley (or Carmine for those so inclined), Eep op ork aye aye for Judy,
Daphne, plastic and I always dream of Jeanne.

Dear Dr. Beast,
The persona known as Casual Observer, refers to some people,
as Mossface or Mossboys, why? What does it mean?

Confused by the typos

Dear Confused by the typos:
I can understand the confusion, particularly due to the personna's inability to spell.
The answer is that the term "mossface" is more easily understood when spelled properly.
The proper spelling is most face. In the asian tradition, "face" refers to honor. Therefore,
by using the term most face, CO is saying that he understands that the adults he refers to are most
deserving of honor and respect.

The term mossboys is actually spelled correctly. It refers to the tendency of some youth to sit around and
do nothing, so much so that they grow moss on their sluggish frames. Alternative terms include lichen lad and
fungus fellow.

Signed, Doctor Dictionary

Dear Dr. Beast,
Do you think Kenneth Starr is really leading a right wing conspiracy against President Clinton?

Concerned Voter

Dear Concerned Voter:
I think the only person leading a conspiracy or plot to overthrow President Clinton is President Clinton. That guy could mess up a wet dream, and it might be better if he had a few. Someone needs to let him know that intern is a title, not a description of how you have your young assistants.

Dear Dr. Beast,
Okay, so you're not the Anti-Christ. Who is?

Could it be Barney?

Dear Could it be Barney?:
I do not believe that the purple pee-pee toucher is that anti-christ. A wise man once explained a rather convinicing theory about the anti-christ, which I support.

Wayne Newton is the anti-christ. If you don't believe me (thousands wouldn't) go to Vegas and check it out for yourself.

Dear Dr. Beast,
Who is Big Bro?
Steve Donohue

Dear Steve:
Gee, just the question I was hoping someone would ask. Like the rest of you, I have some guesses about the identity of Big Bro. I am not sure what the correct answer is, but I can provide some thoughts on his/her identity.

#1 Big Bro is probably an old-timer who has been to Winter Camp on many occaisions.
#2 Big Bro spends a lot of time thinking about Winter Camp
#3 Big Bro is probably a Vigil Honor member (based on some comments)
I have heard numerous theories about Big Bro. Some have suggested that I am Big Bro, or that I am working with Dan Bollman as a collective Big Bro. This is simply not true. Other have suggested some pet choices, including Steve Donohue, John Howey, Steve Donohue and John Howey, Jeff Rand and Mark Bollman. Strangely absent from this list are old-timers Roger Horn, Doug Wilson and Mike Osvath. The general assumption is probably that Roger is too busy, Wilson not the type and Osvath, well, he's just Ozzie.
I recently spoke with Ra nd and Steve Donohue, and they have assured me they are not Big Bro. If one can trust a Scout's word, they are out. In this instance, I'm not sure we can, so they are still in.
Personally, I am still stuck on Steve Donohue, Jeff Rand, or Mark Bollman, with Roger Horn as an extreme Dark Horse. If Big Bro is not one of these people, he can have a good laugh at my foolishness. If my three theories are inaccurate, he can have a similar belly laugh. Go ahead, its on the house.
Ihave cut it down to three, but there is one I really believe to be Big Bro. To him, I say thanks for the entertainment.

Dear Dr. Beast,
Tom has just declared that he's going to be adviser for Winter
Camp XXII. Could this be the end of Winter Camp as we've known it?
Do you think we'll have mandatory piercings?
Alpha Goon

Dear Doubting Thomas:
I truly doubt that it will be the end of Winter Camp
as we have known it. I am certain it will not be the
end of Winter Camp. (note the distinction) If Winter
Camp survived under my advisorship, it can last through
As for the piercings, the only thing I plan to pierce is an excellent
Doug Wilson made pie crust with my fork. If you want to pierce
something, I recommend you do it on your own time. So, my guess is that
the best chance for a piercing is if we play that stupid Capture the Objective
game and someone tumbles into the barbed wire.

Dear Dr. Beast,
Why is it that Mark Bollman cheats at snow soccor each year?

Dear Alphagoon:
I am not sure that Mark cheats. He simply believes that rules are open to
interpretation and acts accordingly. Sadly, he does not realize that other
people have the capacity to alter the rules and choose not to, respecting
the spirit rather than the letter of the law. Other than that, he is not a bad guy.

Dear Dr. Beast,
Why does Tom Ray have a metal ball stuck to his tongue?
Is he a freak or what?

Dear Is he a freak?:
There are two possible answers. One involves improper activities on a
outside bronze statue in downtown Detroit during a cold snap. To
understand this concept, picture the flagpole incident in A Christmas
Story. The other answer involves making a fashion statement in a attempt to be
alternative and cutting edge. Other symptoms of alternative and cutting edge
behavior include stealing from charities and screwing friends over for a job.
I am sure Tom is not guilty of either of these heinous crimes, so it's probably
from a male statue improperly touched in winter on a drunken whim.

Dear Dr. Beast,
According to Jeff Rand, a tit is a measurement of an electron at rest, but if an
electron is always moving how does he know the measurement for it being at rest?
Scientifically Confused

Dear Scientifically Confused:
It is my belief that any knowledge that Jeff Rand has of tits is strictly
theoretical and lacks in the field of practical application.

Dear Dr. Beast,
Why do you and Steve always fight?

Dear Anonymous:
It's better than kissing that blivet!

Dear Dr. Beast,
Rumors are circulating that you are in league with Satan. Are these rumors true?
The Holy One

Dear Holy One:
Yes, it is a Tuesday bowling league and he has a killer average.

Dear Dr. Beast,
Why are some people so interested in the toilet habits of others?

Dear Backed-up:
Maybe it is the only area in which they can succeed and compare themselves
with other.

Dear Dr. Beast,
Mike Osvath is so great I wish to know if he is truly infallible?
Worshipper of Ozzie

Dear Worshipper of Ozzie:
Sure he's infallible, that's why his engine is on the dining
room table and his computer is in a coffin.

Dear Dr. Beast,
Dear Beast,
Is it true that you're the Anti-Christ?


Dear Misguided,:
No, that's just a terrible rumor started by a bunch of Mackerel Snappers
and Bible Thumpers jealous of my, shall we say, extravagant lifestyle.

Dear Dr. Beast,
Why are you the only Wnter-Camper that has his own question
and answer colum?
I Wanna Know

Dear I Wanna Know:
Maybe because I am the only Winter Capmer with the sensitivity
and compassion to help others with difficult personal problems,
plus I threatened to beat up the editor.

Dear Dr. Beast,
Is it true that you are the Anti-Christ?

Dear Misguided:
No, that's just a terrible rumor started by a bunch of Mackerel Snappers and Bible Thumpers jealous of my, shall we say, extravagant lifestyle.

Check out what Dr. Beast has to say about:

Ask Dr. Beast

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