Everything Else

Dear Dr. Beast,
I see a lot of publicity about natural penis enlargement with exercises. Is it real? What are the exercises like? Thank You!
   Signed
   John Hill

Dear Donut Boy,:
While I have never felt the need, I understand the challenges faced by you little guys. My research indicates the exercises are pretty much the same as what you did last night, only with stickem instead of "baby" lotion.
   Signed
   Dr. Beast


Dear Dr. Beast,
How old are you?
   Signed
   Hi

Dear Mr. Lois:
Sorry to hear about your parents' bizarre affection for Hi and Lois (don't ask me - where the form said name, he wrote "HI"). Anyhow, your question could be approached from a number of different vantage points. First, you could mean how old is my race, the race of man. You could mean how long has Dr. Beast been Dr. Beast, or you could mean how long has the man behind Dr. Beast been alive. I'm going to go with the last one.
I'm slightly older than my gums and younger than my teeth. I'm old enough to know better, but young enough that I don't always care...

   Signed
   Dr. Beast


Dear Dr. Beast,
With only one Canadian team left in the 2000 Stanley Cup Playoffs, can you offer some wisdom on who will be victorious this year. (There is still ample time to call Las Vegas.)


   Signed
   Puckhead

Dear Puckhead:
Getting sports predictions right is all about waiting until the right moment, when all
of the necessary information is available to crunch the numbers. That having been said,
I am now prepared to predict that the New Jersey Devils will go all the way this year. What
else did you expect from a guy named Dr. Beast. Sadly, neither my beloved Canadians nor your beloved
Red Wings have the horses to win the race. Montreal does not have them, and Detroit's are too old.

   Signed
   Dr. Beast


Dear Dr. Beast,
With only one Canadian team left in the 2000 Stanley Cup Playoffs, can you offer some wisdom on who will be victorious this year. (There is still ample time to call Las Vegas.)


   Signed
   Puckhead

Dear Puckhead:
Making predictions about sports is all about getting the timing right and making assesments
probabilities once all of the information is in place. That having been said, I think that
the New Jersey Devils (with Detroit's Favorite Son Claude LeMeiux) will take home the cup this year.
My pool selections feature Detroit eliminated early (sorry boys, they are too old) and the hated
Avalanche going all the way to the finals. Sadly, Detroit restaurants will have no problem
serving that Calamari appetizer you order.

   Signed
   Dr. Beast


Dear Dr. Beast,
So, how do you plan to celebrate the second anniversary of your web presence?


   Signed
    Steve

Dear Steve:
If I was getting paid enough, I would say that "I'm going to Disneyland." Sadly, writing
a Boy Scout Web Site advice column does not have the advertising bang that Super Bowl winners
have, so I will probably just open up the anniversary cards and giftds from my many fans.

   Signed
   Dr. Beast


Dear Dr. Beast,
Do you think we'll ever really know who Big Bro is or was?
   Signed
   Investigative Reporter

Dear Investigative Reporter:
I think that some person (or persons) is/are gaining a lot of satisfaction from
maintaining the Big Bro personna, perhaps more than from motivating change. At some
point, he/she/they will probably reveal the true identity of Big Bro. Big Bro has
suggested that this may happen at Winter Camp XXV. There was a later post that indicated
an interest in taking the secret to the grave. I hope there is some type of closure, and I
am probably not the only one.

So, the answer is I think that there is a strong chance we will find out Big Bro's identity
but it is by no means certain.

   Signed
   Dr. Beast


Dear Dr. Beast,
So this ordeal is like pledging a house? How many people usually go through it at a time?


Signed,
OV

Dear OV:
I do not really think the Ordeal is like pledging a house at a traditional fraternity.
It may be like pledging a house at a service fraternity. The main difference is that
the incoming members (candidates) and the current members work side by side all day long
doing service to the camp. The process used to have a lot of hazing (maybe a frat similarity)
but the has been mostly eliminated (at Frats as well) I have not been to an Ordeal in a while
but I suspect that there may be as many as a hundred candidates total with 15-20 from
our Chapter. Someone else (my brother) could probably answer the numbers question with greater precision.
The Ordeal is a process or trial intended to test one's resolve. I suppose a fraternity
initiation is similar, but I never pledged a fraternity so it is difficult for me to say if the
two are the same. Certainly, we have less beer that the traditional fraternity initiation and
nobody ever says "Thank you sir, may I have another?"

Dear Dr. Beast,
What is this "ordeal" that I keep reading about?
Signed,
OV

Dear OV?:
The tag line says OV, so he must have changed his server from hotmail to aol, if it is indeed him.
The Ordeal is the initiation to our order. It is based on the trails faced by the early
Leni Lenape in their order of honored men. Essentially, the Ordeal is a two day event that
tests a Candidate's (prospective member) wilingness to to service to others, maintaining a cheerful
demeanor even in the face of irksome tasks and weighty responsibilities. It is also a test
of self-denial, as the cheerful service is performed with scant food and in silence.
A pessimist might say that it it the hoop we all must jump through to join the Order.
A romantic might say that it is a test that is a tribute and honor to the spirit of a Native
American tradition of cheerful service to one's fellows. Either way, the Ordeal is the major
event for the Chapter, providing the members that keeps Winter Camp alive. I am pleased to
be able to attend this year.

Dear Dr. Beast,
How much TV is too much TV?


Signed,
Concerned Viewer

Dear Chauncy Gardner:
It all depends on your beliefs; if you happen to be Amish then any TV is too much. For most of us though, the amount of television you can watch without ill-effect probably depends on the content. If you're watching mindless stuff like "Three's Company" or "60 Minutes" then you need to be more careful. On the other hand, if you have an immune deficiency, like the "Boy in the Plastic Bubble", then you can use educational television as a gateway to the world.

Dear Dr. Beast,
This play I am reading by some guy named Shakespeare (maybe you've heard of him) begs a question in my mind. If the wintercamp group was a Shakespeare play, which one would we be and why? And who'd be who.
Signed,
Steve Clark

Dear Casting Director:
Comparing Winter Camp to Shakespeare is really much ado about nothing; you can basically interpet it as you like it. From Steve Donohue's point of view it's really all about the taming of the shrew known as Big Bro, while Bro himself considers it nothing less than love's labour's lost, in truth, the winter's tale is difficult to pin down. Measure for measure, it's hard to tell if it's really the comedy of errors that Casual Observer claims it to be or if the tempest he and Bro create is really nothing more than a midsummer night's dream.
For myself, I believe that all's well that end's well, and would as soon spend a twelfth night there, while my wife Jeanne accompanied the rest of the "Winter Camp Widows" to some gambling establishment to ply their luck. While they, the merry wives of Windsor, frittered away endless hours and perhaps a bit too much cash, we could enjoy ourselves at camp. At least a trip to Windsor would be cheaper than flying them to Europe, where th ey might spend too much money with the merchant of Venice before being whisked off to Euro-Disney by the two gentlemen of Verona who can't help but overhear their lover's complaint.
Don't get me wrong, I'm no King Lear, and if I have to borrow some time to ensure my fun at camp, then I, like the passionate pilgrim I am, will gladly do so. Still, in the end, I'd say there's no clear way to identify specific plays and characters for camp. That's the beauty of the Bard's work -- it's truths are universal and parts of it in are in all of us and all we do.


Dear Dr. Beast,
Many are predicting the end of the world as the year 2000 aproaches. Do you think they are right?
Will it be the biblical prophesies, Nostradamus, or the Year 2000 (Y2K) Bugs that get us?


Signed,
1999

Dear Party Like It's:
Milleniums are always characterized by religious fanatics panicking and predicting doom. In general, that is the nature of religious fanatics. For many of them, life is a continual struggle to convert people to their way of thinking through fear, ridicule or outright lies. The skeptical would suggest that a system of beliefs should stand on its own merits, without the need for elaborate schemes to convince people of their worthiness.
Fortunately, I'm not a skeptic, so I think that much of the excitement is being generated by people who are still waiting for Miss Tammy and Mr. Jim to come back. They (and Revlon) are the only ones who want that.
I do not know enough about Y2K to say how real the threat is. In the investment community, the general concensus is that Y2K compliance reviews
are more likely to cause problems than the actual bugs. A lot of people are making a lot of money fixing very real problems, but the whole thing might be a just a bit overblown. The scare was probably a good warning and a call to action. Hysteria serves its purpose.


Dear Dr. Beast,
Hey, how does it feel to be celebrating your one year anniversary with Ask Dr. Beast in the electronic format?


Signed,
JAFO

Dear JAFO:
It's hard to believe it's already been a year. I guess it will become more real when the cards and
anniversary gifts start to roll in.


Dear Dr. Beast,
So, what was the discs of Tron?


Signed,
OV

Dear OV:
The original "Discs of Tron" was an Intellivision video game based on the sci-fi movie Tron. It's Winter
Camp incarnation was a concept event that did not get planned. Serendipitously, Paul Kupser brought a whole
bunch of soft mini-frisbees. During a lull following a meal, an improptu battle with these little frisbees broke out.
The event culminated in a massive twenty man battle royal followed by a pushing contest involving dinner tables. You had
to be there to catch the craziness of the situation. It was one of those things that happens when a bunch of creative
and mildly twisted people get together with little to do but make things up and try them out (i.e. What winter Cmap is all about)
After the wreckage was cleared up, some participants decided that the game, as it evolved, was a perfect substitute for "Discs of Tron"
and probably more fun than whatever the original activity was. This year's Ball Blast.


Dear Dr. Beast,
With all the work that Steve (not me) does, when does he find time to sleep?



Signed,
Steve Clark

Dear Steve::
The answer is that he doesn't sleep. He went several years (pre-Vader box) without
sleeping at one point, then increased his sleep dramatically. He is now back on a reduced sleep
lifestyle. Fortunately, our familty situation is such that he can catch a catnap at the dinner
table whenever my father starts a sentence with "You know, at the Depot" or ends it with ya-da-da-da-da.
Ask him, sometime he'll explain.


Dear Dr. Beast,
What is a "Groo"?


Signed,
OV

Dear OV:
Groo is a comic book character drawn by Sergio Aragones, the creator
of Mad Magazine's Spy vs. Spy. Groo is a mendicant warrior who travels the globe from fray to fray in search
of cheese dip. He is the stupidest character alive. His constant companion is his noble hound, Rufferto. Groo is also the name
of Steve Donohue's beagle, who shares the comic book characters mental prowess (or lack thereof)
and his love of cheese dip. He also has no thumbs, which makes it difficult for him to accomplish
his innermost desires (opening food cans himself) We read the comic book religiously (i.e. on Sundays)
and when Steve found the dog, the match seemed obvious.


Dear Dr. Beast,
Okay, so like if you were a dog, what kind of dog would YOU be?
Any other dog or animal thoughts for the rest of us?


Signed,
Yapping Pup

Dear Pupster:
I think that BB has covered the animal domain. If he ever updates his site, you will have
your answers. As for me, I have recently acquired a Rottweiler puppy, and
I like the breed's size, appearance and demeanor, if my dog is representative of the breed.
I also like the fact that when provoked, they can be efficient killing machines, which has always
been a goal of mine.


Dear Dr. Beast,
Much has been made of the effects of pop culture on Winter Camp. What movie or
movies do you think one has to see to understand the jargon of winter camp?


Signed,
Movie afficionado

Dear Thumbs Up:
I am not so sure that "much has been made of the effects of pop culture on
Winter Camp" is a statement that has been widely accepted by Winter Campers. I
have only heard one camper espouse that theory. However, it is quite true that films shape our
perceptions, words, thoguths and actions. If I had to pick a set of films that
most winter campers have seen and which might have influenced there world view,
I would consider the following. Most are must sees anyways.
Willie Wonka and the Chocolate Factory - Film classic used for meal themes
Real Genius - Excellent guide to smart a$$ behavior of Winter Campers
WarGames - One question "Was it your wife?"
Strange Brew - Insight into canadian culture
Blues Brothers, Animal House - But for the drugs, Belushi would have been the consumate camper
Risky Business - While the scoutmaster's away, ....
Highlander - Tragically overlooked by the Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences
Star Trek Movies - only half worth watching
Star Wars - all worth watching
One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest - Jeff put Mr. Oatley in the role of Nurse Cratchett (rules, rules)
Full Metal Jacket - see you in hell private slacker
Hawk the Slayer - Hawk was in the previous film listed, kind of special efects we should emoulate
The Crimson Pirate, Buccaneer - Pirate themed Winter Camp

Countless others, including Sword and the Sorcerer, Beastmaster, Conan films, Robin Hood (Errol Flynn)
Deathstalker, and Knightriders influenced midevil themes.

Television has also played a role, including Star Trek, X-Files, South Park, Simpsons, Jeopardy and Tic-Tac-Dough

Books also have a role, with Andre Norton's "Quag Keep" as the most influential. I wonder how many people know why?

We are all a product of what we see and read, (some more than others). Inevitably this colors
our actions. Insofar as we share these experiences, they give us a linkage and platform for discussion. Common threadswoven together to create the grand tapestry that is Winter Camp.


Dear Dr. Beast,
Hey, so what did you name your dog?


Signed,
Dog fancier

Dear Dog Fancier:
The dog is black and tan in color and is named Saranac after
the very fine black and tan beer.


Dear Dr. Beast,
Thin, regular or deep dish?


Signed,
Pizza Afficionado

Dear Pizza Afficianado:
How can one choose between the beauty of the ocean and the beauty of the mountains?
I guess it is a matter of personl choice. Whichever way you go, you are still eating
pizza. For me, it depends on who makes it. Being a traditionalist, I generally
prefer regular, although a good deep dish every now and then hits the spot. Plus,
regular crust is the traditional pre-camp meal. All this from a man who has eaten less than
six slices of pizza this year. Oh well, that was my choice.


Dear Dr. Beast,
Hey, what is this Littlest Hobo thing you're threatening us with?


Signed,
TV Fanatic

Dear Fanatic:
The Littlest Hobo is a Canadian teevision show starring a German Shepherd named Hobo.
Hobo travels all over Canada taking care of stuff that Lassie did not have time to handle. Sort of
a combination of Incredible Journey and Kung Fu, with a little Highway to Heaven tossed in.
They are considering a newer veriosn called the Littlest Brain, where a Beagle travels around
the country begging food from people in trouble. When the dog gets the food, he leaves the people to
their fate. It it a little more realistic.


Dear Dr. Beast,
Hey, how did you celebrate Respect Canada day? What would you recommend as an appropriate activity?


Signed,
UgLy AmErIcAn

Dear Bllody Yank:
I did not do much celebrating, because every day is Respect Canada day to me.
In Detroit, you can watch choice Canadian TV shows on CBC Windsor and consume Canadian beverages
like Canada Dry, Molson, and Seagram's. Obviously, your choice of beverage should conform
to all state (or Provincial) regulations. I would also recommend sending a check for a large sum of money
to a Canadian you know personally. (Hint: I am a Canadian) Good luck with your celbration.


Dear Dr. Beast,
If a tree falls in the forest and no one is there, does it make a sound?


Signed,
One hand clapping

Dear What are you doing with the other hand and what are you applauding:
The answer is yes, it does make a sound. The sound is just like the opening guitar riff of Grim Reaper's
classic Wrath of the Reaper. Check it out, then go out in the Woods and listen. If you here it, that means that you are no one.


Dear Dr. Beast,
Dead or Canandian?


Signed,
F@LG

Dear Ken Ober Jr.:
It depends on who you are talking about. If you're asking about Sinatra, Princess
Diana or Johnny Versace, the answer is dead. If you're asking about Monty Hall,
Getty Lee, Mike Myers or ME, the answer is Canadian. If you are talking about John
Belushi, John Candy or Wilfred Laurier, the answer is both. By the way, remember
that July 15 is National Respect Canada Day. A good chance to show your respect before
the eventual CANADIAN WORLD DOMINATION.


Dear Dr. Beast,
What does it mean in the movie when it says "Being made of snow, Frosty was
the fastest belly flopper in the world?"


Signed,
Gina

Dear Gina:
Well, it's kind of a long story. However, the long and the short of it is that
Steve's rotting corpse was in the process of sliding down the hill. Now, it
turns out that certain individuals (primarily me) pointed out that Steve's physical configuration
(pre weight loss) was remarkably similar to that of the beloved cartoon snowman.
At one point in the classic cartoon, Jimmy Durante, the narrator, notes that Frosty, being made of snow, was the fastest belly flopper in the world.
The connection was made all the more obvious at an earlier Winter Camp when Steve, lacking a sled but
posessing a shiny, slick Winter coat, slid down the sled hill repeatedly on his belly. Since then, the Frosty
references have been fairly regular.


Dear Dr. Beast,
How come no one ever uses half the pages I put up?

Signed,
Frustrated Webmaster

Dear Dedicated Public Servant:
The answer is that not all pages are usable on a daily basis. For exanple, when, apart from answering trivia questions, does
one have a daily use for the Encyclopedia Wintercampica. The interactive pages seem to be most closely followed, while my particular
favorite is the Paradox Metaphor serial. Other pages are probably looked at occaisionally, and only revisited when updated.

The other answer is that your fellow arrowmen are a pack of lazy #$%%@@'s that don't appreciate good work.


Dear Dr. Beast,
What ever happened to that meta-game you (and others) were working on for Winter
Camp?
Signed,
Activity Director

Dear Activity Director,:
The meta game planning has been temporarily postponed due to my home improvement project. So, the
answer to your questions is that it is not coming soon, but it will soon be breathing hard.


Dear Dr. Beast,
How come when you watch "The Flintstone Kids" where Fred and his pals are just
youngsters, there are people of all different ethnicities, Asians, Africans,
Caucasians etc, but when you watch the grown up version there are pretty much
just Caucasians?

Signed,
Is racism rampant?

Dear Is racism rampant?:
There are several valid responses to your question. The first is that the Flintstone
Kids show (which I have not seen) was written and produced well after the original Flintstone show.
During the intervening period, social mores and values changed, and diversity and issues
of racial representation became more important to television industry participants. For an example, consider the
advent of Fruity pebbles and Cocoa pebbles cereal, marketing ploys essentially
designed to placate the homosexual and African-american constituencies that were left
out of the original storylines. The other answer is that Bedrock was a racist town, the Water Buffalo Lodge
a prehistoric Ku-Klux-Klan (wait, was that ambiguous?) and the Grand Poobah equivalent to the Grand Wizard.
The other answer may be that the Flintstones have little to do with racism, and adding a few black, hispanic and
asian characters did not change anything but the cartoonists color palette .


Dear Dr. Beast,
How many questions in a row is too many?
Signed,
Just curious

Just curious:
As the owl said when licking the Tootsie pop, three. But I guess the world will never know.


Dear Dr. Beast,
When did this whole SKA music thing start and why do they release so many covers of older songs?


Signed,
Music Lover

Dear Music Lover:
As usual, I have no facts at my disposal so I will make some guesses. SKA started because band geeks who graduated from high school (yes, there were a few) found little outlet for the instruments they had learned in high school. That is why brass is pretty heavy in SKA. I think they release covers because they are trying to give a fresh treatment to old stuff. Also, elmost every major band in rock history, started with covers. It it a tradition, and a good one. Once the skills are honed, then the band can establish its own identity.

That is my story and I am sticking to it. I do not have a clue if it is right, but I am sure that there are other Winter Campers who could give you more factual information.


Dear Dr. Beast,
Is Big Bro right? Does Jack Lord Beach really suck?
Signed,
Alpha Goon

Dear Alpha Goon:
There are several answers to your question. On the first question, the answer is "yes, but less often than he thinks." On the first question as modified by the seqond question, the answer is "It sucks, Jack Lord sucks, and Lockwood Lake is nothing but a deep swamp that leaked out of its dam and made a shallow mosquito-infested swamp. Is that enough sucking for you or are you going to have to go out and cruise the Pamela and Tommy Lee's Secret Video pages?


Dear Dr. Beast,
Why is it that people don't participate in all the events?
Signed,
Gyro

Dear Gyro:
Some have physical problems, some disagree with the activity and some are
lazy. Only you can really know which one you are. For me, I simply enjoy
sitting on my fat butt eating bon-bons.


Dear Dr. Beast,
What is an adult and why are they so boring?
Signed,
Never Wanna Be

Dear Never Wanna Be,:
An adult is a closet goon who is smart enough to conceal their goon-like
behavior behind a veneer of civilization. The reason they are so boring is
that they are trying so desperately hard to make distinctions between
themselves and the "out of the closet" goons that they forget that the
whole point is to have a good time.


Dear Dr. Beast,
Why are Winter Campers interested in the Oregon Feret Association?
Signed,
Jeffrey J. Rand

Dear Jeff,:
There could be several reasons for the interest. First, they could be offended that the Oregon membership
are unaware of the correct spelling of the word ferret. Second, they may notice that the acronym OFA is
shared by the Oatley Family Association, a powerful fringe organization aligned with
the Trilateral Commission. Remember, the fact is that a person is paranoid does not mean that no one
is out to get them.

Sincerely,
The Gnomes of Zurich


Dear Dr. Beast,
Is it true the great X-Men's Wolverine, even with his healing factor
can be killed with an overdose of White Castle hamburgers?
Signed,
Magneto

Dear Magneto:
No, it just effects everyone in a 60 yard radius.


Dear Dr. Beast,
Is there life after Winter Camp?
Signed,
The Seeker

Daer Seeker,:
Yes, approximately 360 days later, when the next Winter Camp begins.

 


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